Friday, September 14, 2012

When is it okay to ask a woman if she is pregnant?

Question: When is it okay to ask a woman if she is pregnant?

Answer:  When there is a baby head sticking out of her vagina.

If any of you can remember this far back, I once wrote about my battle with back fat.  Sadly, my glutenous winter did not end just because it was bikini season.  I have indulged myself on iced coffees and more hundred calorie packs then I know what to do with.  I have put on a FEW pounds, and by a few I mean thirty--shh don't tell!  It has been brought to my attention by my husband that he has been questioned time and time again during this past year on whether or not I am pregnant.  The answer to this is no and quite frankly eff you!  (Notice I was classy this time and didn't say 'fuck'--oops)  I have watched my weight my entire life and I am just plain sick of it.  My husband eats a bagel every day of his life and I have to have a banana so that no body wonders if I'm carrying a two year old fetus inside me.  It is only okay to ask a woman if she is pregnant if you can reach down and shake hands with her unborn child.  If there is even the tiniest doubt in your mind, shut your face!  I have thought long and hard about what to do about this and I have decided that I will have a shirt made that reads "Not pregnant, just fat" just to clear things up for those around me that may be confused by my slightly protruding belly.  There is no baby in there, just a bowl of Special K and half a package of extra sharp cheddar cheese wedges.  Happy Friday!

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Come Home & Smell the Cookies!

As the school year approached I forced myself to get organized and set up a game plan for the back to school season.  I envisioned home cooked meals, smiling faces and the smell of fresh baked cookies upon the boys' arrival home each day.  What I ended up with was a stack of homework, a sink full of cereal bowls and a serious addiction to day time reality television re-runs.  If my mother is reading this she is thinking something to the effect of "I had four of you, how did I do it?"  Well you know what mom, I concede, you a far better woman than myself.  You raised four kids and did it with a clean house, but I challenge you to a Keeping Up With the Kardashians  or Teen Mom trivia game and I will wipe the floor with you!  And isn't that what's really important in life?  Being able to hold your own during a heated debate about whether or not Kim's ass is real or if Butch and April should give it one last college try?  So from where I'm standing, you, mom, are the one that needs to get her shit together.  Which Real Housewife from New Jersey would you kick off your ficticious survivor island first?  Do you think Amber from Teen Mom will ever get her shit together and stop beating Gary?  Riddle me that!  But you can't can you because you have no clue what I'm talking about...but your floors are clean enough to eat off of...that's cool!  And by cool I mean lame!  :)  Talk to you soon mommy! :)

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Kindergarten: The triumphs and the tears

My first born started Kindergarten last week, while my second son started pre-school and as the school bus pulled away and the tears welled up in my eyes I was faced with a new challenge as a stay at home mom...what the --pardon my language-- FUCK am I supposed to do with all my free time?  Clean the house?  Tackle a couple mounds of laundry?  Scrub the toilet?  Pardon my language again, but fuck that!  I have been slave to children for five years now and I just got my first taste of freedom.  I am not spending it waxing the floors.  The house might be a little messy, but the woman in the house is happy as a pig in shit because she gets to lounge in her husbands new "football room" while watching the Kardashians, in her pajamas, until noon.  I'm walking on freakin' sunshine right now!  But let's try to be reasonable!  I can't just sit around in that big comfy arm chair, wrapped in a blanket all day, everyday.  At some point I will need to be productive.  Basically, I need to find a hobby.  So I turn to you!  What are your hobbies?  What do you do with your "free time," if you have any.  I will be blogging a lot again now that I have all this time on my hands so I want to here from people. 

I hope everyone had a great first week back to school and will talk to you soon! :)