Question: When is it okay to ask a woman if she is pregnant?
Answer: When there is a baby head sticking out of her vagina.
If any of you can remember this far back, I once wrote about my battle with back fat. Sadly, my glutenous winter did not end just because it was bikini season. I have indulged myself on iced coffees and more hundred calorie packs then I know what to do with. I have put on a FEW pounds, and by a few I mean thirty--shh don't tell! It has been brought to my attention by my husband that he has been questioned time and time again during this past year on whether or not I am pregnant. The answer to this is no and quite frankly eff you! (Notice I was classy this time and didn't say 'fuck'--oops) I have watched my weight my entire life and I am just plain sick of it. My husband eats a bagel every day of his life and I have to have a banana so that no body wonders if I'm carrying a two year old fetus inside me. It is only okay to ask a woman if she is pregnant if you can reach down and shake hands with her unborn child. If there is even the tiniest doubt in your mind, shut your face! I have thought long and hard about what to do about this and I have decided that I will have a shirt made that reads "Not pregnant, just fat" just to clear things up for those around me that may be confused by my slightly protruding belly. There is no baby in there, just a bowl of Special K and half a package of extra sharp cheddar cheese wedges. Happy Friday!
Friday, September 14, 2012
Thursday, September 13, 2012
As the school year approached I forced myself to get organized and set up a game plan for the back to school season. I envisioned home cooked meals, smiling faces and the smell of fresh baked cookies upon the boys' arrival home each day. What I ended up with was a stack of homework, a sink full of cereal bowls and a serious addiction to day time reality television re-runs. If my mother is reading this she is thinking something to the effect of "I had four of you, how did I do it?" Well you know what mom, I concede, you a far better woman than myself. You raised four kids and did it with a clean house, but I challenge you to a Keeping Up With the Kardashians or Teen Mom trivia game and I will wipe the floor with you! And isn't that what's really important in life? Being able to hold your own during a heated debate about whether or not Kim's ass is real or if Butch and April should give it one last college try? So from where I'm standing, you, mom, are the one that needs to get her shit together. Which Real Housewife from New Jersey would you kick off your ficticious survivor island first? Do you think Amber from Teen Mom will ever get her shit together and stop beating Gary? Riddle me that! But you can't can you because you have no clue what I'm talking about...but your floors are clean enough to eat off of...that's cool! And by cool I mean lame! :) Talk to you soon mommy! :)
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
My first born started Kindergarten last week, while my second son started pre-school and as the school bus pulled away and the tears welled up in my eyes I was faced with a new challenge as a stay at home mom...what the --pardon my language-- FUCK am I supposed to do with all my free time? Clean the house? Tackle a couple mounds of laundry? Scrub the toilet? Pardon my language again, but fuck that! I have been slave to children for five years now and I just got my first taste of freedom. I am not spending it waxing the floors. The house might be a little messy, but the woman in the house is happy as a pig in shit because she gets to lounge in her husbands new "football room" while watching the Kardashians, in her pajamas, until noon. I'm walking on freakin' sunshine right now! But let's try to be reasonable! I can't just sit around in that big comfy arm chair, wrapped in a blanket all day, everyday. At some point I will need to be productive. Basically, I need to find a hobby. So I turn to you! What are your hobbies? What do you do with your "free time," if you have any. I will be blogging a lot again now that I have all this time on my hands so I want to here from people.
I hope everyone had a great first week back to school and will talk to you soon! :)
I hope everyone had a great first week back to school and will talk to you soon! :)
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
My oldest Valentine is at Costco, the next in line is at school and the youngest is downstairs taking a nap with chocolate smeared all over his little face. So it seems just as good a time as any to hop back into things! I am finishing my last course to complete my BA this semester and am on the job search grind, which has so far led me...nowhere. Luckily, I still have the entertaining antics of my children to keep me on my toes during this slow period in my life. Yesterday my older son, dressed as Superman or as he now likes to be called "Super Aidan" told me he was going to laser me and serve me with a nice Cianti. If you notice that the last word there is probably spelt incorrectly. This is because I have no idea how to spell it, pronounce it or define exactly what it is, but not to worry because apparently my 4 year old does. He has never seen "Silence of the Lambs" so I am unsure where the heck he learned this word, but whatev, the boy is a genius and I'd rather not question his obviously in depth learning styles. As for my youngest...he has turned into a monster. The terrible two's are in full swing and there has been lots of biting, hitting, crying and whining on his part and a lot of crying and "wining" on my part as well. While my older son has decided that he was destined to be a super hero, my youngest has decided that he is part hedgehog (like Sonic) and he feels it necessary to show off his super speed at all times of the day. The only problem here is that he sadly inherited my husband's klutz gene so his super speed usually ends with him flat on his face and more crying ensues. It's enough to drive a mama to.....desperately try to find a job. BTW Anyone want to hire me? I am PATIENT, driven and will do just about anything to get out of my house. At this point money may not even be an issue...will work for free!
What are you kids pretending to be these days?
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
I tried to get really motivated the other day and took my kids to FAO Swartz in NYC on a Saturday thinking that I was such a cool mom for my adventurousness and spontaneity. What I actually ended up being was an asshole with two out of control kids trying to climb through the dividing window in the cab. This was by far one of the more embarrassing trips with my children. The cab driver shook his head in disgust but what was I supposed to do? If I start screaming I look nuts. If I beat them in the cab I go to jail. If I do nothing I look like I don't care. What I wanted to do was cry my freaking eyes out...or maybe jump out of the taxi and leave the boys to find their own way home. After a two hour trip back home I put the boys to bed and drank a glass...or two...okay the whole bottle...of wine. After that I went back to thinking of what a cool mom I am for taking my kids on this trip, but I have already made all of my friends and family promise to slap me if I ever decide to take these monsters into the city by myself again. They would have had almost as much fun in Toys R Us in Bay shore and I wouldn't have wanted to poke my eyes out. Oh well, as usual, the moral of the story is you live, you learn.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Well, the day is here already. I thought I had at least another ten years to go, but as it turns out, yesterday was the day that I officially turned into my mother. I have various memories of shopping with my mother as a child and almost all of them include me following mom down aisle after aisle until she found the perfect bath towel. At the time, it seemed mindless and exhausting, until yesterday, that is when from an aisle in The Christmas Tree Shop I spotted a wall of dish towels and with eyes lit brightly with joy, I exclaimed "Ooo dish towels!" I immediately caught myself, but purchased some towels anyway. I knew that at some point in my life the day would come where I too would be excited by the thought of buying new towels, but deep down inside it still stings a little. :)
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
The crinkle, smooth and plasticy.
Green, crumble, crumble, down.
Feel for the hole,
Don't let it breathe.
The click of the fire,
It's burning up, red and black.
Pull it in,
Fill your chest with fire.
It burns a hole in your heart,
and you breathe.
It's in your head, your eyes,
It makes you lighter,
Runs through your body,
Until all that's left is air.
Your heart is flying,
And the music moves through you,
With its skit skat beat.
That old song plays in your head.
You are home.