Friday, September 14, 2012

When is it okay to ask a woman if she is pregnant?

Question: When is it okay to ask a woman if she is pregnant?

Answer:  When there is a baby head sticking out of her vagina.

If any of you can remember this far back, I once wrote about my battle with back fat.  Sadly, my glutenous winter did not end just because it was bikini season.  I have indulged myself on iced coffees and more hundred calorie packs then I know what to do with.  I have put on a FEW pounds, and by a few I mean thirty--shh don't tell!  It has been brought to my attention by my husband that he has been questioned time and time again during this past year on whether or not I am pregnant.  The answer to this is no and quite frankly eff you!  (Notice I was classy this time and didn't say 'fuck'--oops)  I have watched my weight my entire life and I am just plain sick of it.  My husband eats a bagel every day of his life and I have to have a banana so that no body wonders if I'm carrying a two year old fetus inside me.  It is only okay to ask a woman if she is pregnant if you can reach down and shake hands with her unborn child.  If there is even the tiniest doubt in your mind, shut your face!  I have thought long and hard about what to do about this and I have decided that I will have a shirt made that reads "Not pregnant, just fat" just to clear things up for those around me that may be confused by my slightly protruding belly.  There is no baby in there, just a bowl of Special K and half a package of extra sharp cheddar cheese wedges.  Happy Friday!

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