Friday, September 30, 2011

Mommy's Night Out

On most days I am a jeans and T-shirt kind of girl.  My teeth are always brushed and my face is always washed, but showering just may or may not fit into my schedule.  So any chance I get to do my hair and make-up and...wait for it...SHOWER...I am all over it.  So last night was the wedding that I was preparing for by starving myself for six days in order to combat the back fat that I developed over this past summer.  I can't say the dress zipped up with ease, but I can say that there weren't any chunks hanging over the back of my dress.  Success!  Not only was this wedding a chance for me to get done up, it was also a chance for mommy to have one too many cocktails.  The combination of a nice shower, some champaign and a couple captain and diets made for a wonderful night.  Now, although I am always looking for the funny in everything, nothing really funny happened last night, which I guess is a good thing.  I didn't trip and fall, hulk out of my dress or vomit in any strange places.  So I guess I will have to instruct today more so than please (that's a little Horace for you, yeah that's right, I take Literary Theory).  So to anyone out there who is feeling stressed, overwhelmed or less than beautiful, here is my perscription to you.  Grab the one you love most in the world, whether that be your significant other, best friend, mom, dad, sibling, whoever, get as dolled up as you possibly can (if your a mom like me, pop a DVD on for your kid and get your smelly butt in the shower) and go out dancing!  It is amazing how much better you can wake up feeling after a good night of drinking and feeling beautiful with someone you love. 

To my husband, Jim,  I had a wonderful night with you.  It makes me so happy to go out with you and be able to be just as carefree as we were when we were dating.  You are the love of my life and I promise to never stop having fun with you.  Love you always, Krissy. <3

Thursday, September 29, 2011

The day I tried to drop kick a child...

My older son, Aidan, just started full time pre-k this September.  When entering school there is a choice that every child is faced with.  They can be the bully or the bullied.  Now although I am glad that thus far, my four year old has chosen not to beat kids up on the playground or shake kids out in the block corner for their lunch money, when he came home with a bite mark and bruise on his arm, I gave serious thought to persuading him to join the dark side.  He had a full set of teeth marks imbedded in his beautiful, innocent, ivory epidermus.  As a mother, it is my job to transform into a raging bull when anything happens to my child and so it came as no surprise to anyone when my gut reaction to this was to find whoever did this to him and drop kick them across the classroom.  I walked Aidan to school the next day, determined to seek justice for my injured baby.  Things took a turn when Aidan pointed out the culprit.  The biter wore sparkeling pink shoes, a floral print sundress and a hair bow to match in her curly blonde hair.  Now I was fully prepared to drop kick a child, but I had not foreseen that this child would be a little girl.  That changed this for sure.  I curbed my original instinct when I saw her adorably sweet smile.  "Okay Aidan, if she bothers you today just make sure to tell your teacher," I said as I ushered him into the building.  It wasn't until I was walking home that I realized what had just happened.  Even at the young age of four that little girl knew how to play me!  How many times have I pulled the "but I'm just a girl" card, when trying to get out of trouble.  I flash my sweetest smile and try to look as dumb as possible and magically, I am forgiven!  That little girl is a genius!  It's a tale as old as time!  The evil girl gets off because she's cute!  Well I guess it is good that Aidan is learning this lesson as a young age since he will be dealing with it for the rest of his life.  So I guess really when entering school you have three choices.  You can be the bully, the bullied or the crafty bully.  Choose wisely my children!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Battle of the Back Fat: Day 4

I usually don't write my blog until the morning, but I am having a weak moment right now so here I am. Today is the 4th day of my attempt at starvation.  I made it all day, but cracked at 10:30 at night and snuck downstairs for a little snackeroo.  Is it just me or does everyone feel that if they eat secretly it won't make them fat?  As long as no one else saw me eat that entire bag of fudge stripe cookies, then it didn't even really happen, did it?  Like if a tree falls in the woods, does it make a sound?  If Kristina eats while hiding in her kitchen, does she gain a pound?  The more reasonable side of me says yes of course, you will still get fat even if no one else watches you eat the cookies, but those delicious little cookies scream out "Just do it!  No one is here, they can't see you, just eat me, I won't tell!"  I swear these cookies are evil!  Often, I will buy those lovely little 100 calorie packs of cookies.  Oh look! I can be thin and still have a snack!  Sadly, I have a bit of a problem with portion control and anyone who knows me can attest to this.  So when I sit down and eat 5 packages of 100 calorie pack cookies, I am completely undermining the idea of being able to have a sensible snack.  To me, there is no such thing as a "sensible snack."  A snack is an indulgence, a treat.  It is something to be enjoyed and I don't ENJOY eating two cookies, I enjoy eating many, many cookies!  So if I sit down to have a snack, I don't want a "snack pack" of cookies, I want a whole bag of cookies!  Portion control. be damned!  But anyhow, now I am going to bed with that wonderful guilty feeling!  Oh well, better luck tomorrow!  Everyday is a new day to make right of what was wrong yesterday.  And umm yeah, I think I just made that up.  Pretty sweet!  Write that down somewhere! :) Have a great day guys!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Melissa Lynn

I planned to right about my father today, but while searching for a picture of him to accompany this post, I found so many amazing pictures of my sister, Melissa, that I felt I would be a fool not to take advantage of the opportunity to further explain my sister.  I am choosing to write about my family at the start of my blogging career because they have made me what I am today and knowing them can only further your insight into my life.  Well here is Melissa...
Now clearly she has a few screws lose and I really can't argue that, but her weirdness makes her very funny and fascinating to observe.  For example, Melissa recently started a new job working for a bagel store.  She went to work during her first week there, sporting her company's T-shirt and cap proudly.  She went behind the counter and attempted to get to work.  For some reason the register seemed foreign to her, but this isn't really THAT unusual for Melissa so she tried her best to figure out the machine.  At some point she realized that she was getting some odd looks from employees and customers.  Finally, another employee told her that she was at the deli and that the bagel store where she worked was across the street.  Needless, to say Melissa's career buttering bagels was short lived.  Another time Melissa walked into the room of one of her college classes, bumped into a students desk and knocked the girls phone on the floor.  The girl tried to reach down to retrieve her phone, but her desk toppled over.  Now, as Melissa tells the story, the girl was trying desperately to get out from under her desk but since her feet were in the air she just wiggled around helplessly until someone took the desk off of her.  Now, given the fact that Melissa was the one who started this whole classroom catastrophe, you would think that she would have been the one to lift the desk off of the squirming girl, but she couldn't you see, because she was too busy caught between laughing hysterically and peeing her pants.  Understandable.  I come from a long line of ridiculous people which has brought me to where I am today.  I had two choices growing up.  I could either join the family in their ridiculous antics or I could take the road less traveled by our family members and become a sane and functional person like my sister Laura, blah blah blah, genius freak.  I have always been more of a follower so I decided to join in my families absurdity.  Watching Laura, blah blah blah, genius freak (I don't think I have to do this every time, you get the point...she is freakishly intelligent) has shown me that there was another way growing up, I could have taken the craziness in stride and used it to empower myself to be a wiser person, but I have to say I'm glad I made the choice that I did.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't love being crazy, disfunctional and ridiculous.  I believe that is what dreams are really made of, taking the insanity that is the real world and running with it!  Most of us are at least a little bit crazy and the key is to accept it and flaunt it anyway you can!  So I made a blog!  :)  See you tomorrow!

Monday, September 26, 2011

My lesser half... ;)

I will start with my usual disclaimer.  The subject of today's blog is the love of my life, my husband, Jim!  In most aspects of his life he is very generous.  He buys me anything and everything I want.  However there is this other side to Jim and for some reason this other side of him is an extreme bargain hunter.  Let me give you an example in case you don't quite understand.  We went to the mall last week with the kids.  At some point of the trip came the best part of going to the mall, choosing what to have from the food court.  Now if you have ever been to a large food court, like the one in Roosevelt Field Mall you have probably seen the people handing out samples of chicken as you walk around.  My husband, crafty as he is, has a system in which he does laps around the food court collecting samples of chicken on a stick and this is his lunch.  "Why spend $10 on lunch when they are just handing it out for free?" he argues.  Now this wouldn't be so bad if he just did his thing and then met us back at the table where were eating our lunch, but no, he wants us all to do laps with him so that we can also collect chicken for him to eat.  This is embarrassing to say the least.  "Oh, Kris, bourbon chicken!" he says as if the concept of bourbon chicken is unknown to us both.   I take the stick of chicken as if it's something I have never seen before and when no one is looking, dutifully hand it over to Jim.  He really hit the jackpot on this particular trip since The Ranch Grill was handing out samples of smoothies.  "This is great, I don't even have to buy a drink!"  Well I guess no one is perfect.  He is truly a wonderful man, husband and father but we all have our flaws!  I bite my cuticles, Jim steals chicken from food courts.  :)  I love you Jim, and promise to steal bourbon chicken for you forever and always!  Love, your wife.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

A problem arises...

I have a wedding to attend on Thursday and this is the dress that I will be wearing.  Cute, right?  Well here is the problem.  I bought this dress back in April.  Now to say that I was indulgent this summer would be an understatement.  It seems that I decided to put on my 'freshman fifteen' during my sixth year of college.  I was being different!  I decided that ignorance was bliss and that I just wouldn't try the dress on until the wedding and keep my fingers crossed that it fit.  However, my mother convinced me to try it on.  I will start with the positive.  From the front the dress still looks very nice.  The problem arises when I turn around.  It seems that a summers worth of cheeseburgers and McFlurry's equals an enormous back fat problem, or as my husband puts it "You have back boobs."  Well here I am in a bit of a pickle since the wedding is in six days.  So I turned to those closest to me for advise.  My husband advised me to where the dress unzipped, maybe no one would notice.  My mother advised me not to eat until Thursday.  These two should right some sort of self help book, don't you think?  Needless to say I decided to try out mom's idea.  Worst case scenario, her plan fails and I move onto plan B.  Best case scenario, I succeed in fitting comfortably into the dress, but I accidently eat one of the children on Friday after my fast is over.  Either way I'm sure it will work out!  I went for a run this morning hoping to burn off some of my summer chub.  I was feeling positive upon my return home when my husband told me that the groom had called and "wants to know what your back fat will be having for dinner on Thursday?"  See, that's why I love him so much!  He is always thinking of me!  So I will keep you posted on my 6 day Battle of the Back Bulge Challenge!  Feel free to share any of your over indulgent summer stories here as well!

Friday, September 23, 2011

Does anyone else see something sinister in their eyes?  I kid!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

This me, that me and the other me.

Yesterday was one of those days when I am forced to play a few different roles within a 24 hour period.  I woke up as mom, or as my boys would call me "Maaaaaaaaa!"  I got everyone dressed, fed, packed and off to school.  I consider it a successful morning given the fact that I didn't have to baptize myself in the kitchen sink upon my return home.  From there I became Kristina, the student.  I had three classes, Chaucer, Shakespeare and American Literature.  What...a line up!  From there I went to a bar for my best friend's birthday (Happy Birthday Brittany!)  Now after four hours of being "Maaaaaaaaa!" and ten hours of being a student/literature enthusiast, it is no easy task to switch into friend mode.  I am the girl who without thinking twice reminds all of her girlfriends to use the bathroom before heading out, and advises them to bring a sweater because they might get chilly.  They laugh at me and let it go.  However, when I responded to a friend with a quote from The Canterbury Tales, I think they had really had enough of me.  I'm like a chameleon with a birth defect; A Shakespearean actor who can't quite pull off his disguise.  None of us can ever really fit into any one specific role in the world.  We are all a little bit of many different things.  For some people all of these little pieces can be put together to form a rather successful and well rounded person.  For others, like myself, it equals a bit of a freakshow, but hey to each his own!

My Dear Old Mom

These are my parents, whom I must start off by saying, I love very much!  My mom is my focus for today so lets put dad on the back burner for a moment.  It is common for stay at home moms to call each other frequently to vent about frustrations they are having with their spouses, children, household or any other problem that may arise.  Sadly, I don't have many stay at home mom friends so I resort to calling my mom to have these discussions.  Ring, ring, ring, "Mom, I just found a sippy cup, hidden in a dump truck.  There was milk in it.  It's chunky.  The playroom smells like feet."  To which my mother lovingly responds with something along the lines of "Just wait until they are teenagers, it gets so much worse."  Comforting, no?  Not really, but I guess after all those years spent torturing my own mother, I really had this coming.  You see, my mother is a bit of a nut case, and I mean this is the nicest way possible.  It's not her fault she is crazy, she had four kids!  Now you might be thinking well statistically her chances were 50/50 for producing a good seed or a bad seed, so at least two out of her four children should have been somewhat manageable.  Sadly, mom was dealt a crappy hand when it came to her offspring.  She ended up with only one "easy" child, and that would be my sister, Laura.  Laura is now working for a research lab at Yale so blah blah blah, she is a genius freak.  As for the rest of us, we did absolutely anything in our power to destroy this woman from the day we were born.  Dear old mom didn't stand a chance.  For example at around the age of six, I decided that my mother was a horrible person for not letting me go swimming in the dead of winter so I grabbed my bathing suit and ran away...literally, I was running down the block.  Where I was headed to I am still not sure.  This young spontaneity of mine forced my then nine months pregnant mother to chase me down the street.  As you can imagine I was much faster then my wobbling mother at the time, however at some point my lung capacity failed me and she was able to catch up and bring me home.  On another occasion I told my teacher that my mom wanted to be a mud wrestler, per my dad's prompting.  I'm sure that couldn't have done any great things for her mental well being either.  As the oldest of her four children I take on a lot of the responsibility for driving her to her current state of semi madness.  Next came Laura, again, blah blah blah, genius freak.  We will just skip her entirely, I'm sure she did something to mom at one time or another but I doubt that she contributed significantly.  Then came Melissa.  Melissa once peed on our neighbors lawn because she was locked out of the house.  I think thats really enough said about her.  Now my brother, Thomas, is the last of the troop.  Again, I blame much of went wrong with my brother on myself as well.  We used to make him play pretty pretty princess with us and during our childhood I could off be found painting his fingernails hot pink somewhere.  So it is really no wonder that my brother turned out how he did.  I once convinced my brother that our belly buttons were necessary in order for us to take in extra oxygen and that if you were to plug up your belly button you would slowly suffocate.  We decided to conduct an experiment.  We both plugged up our belly buttons, I was okay because of course, I was bigger than him so it would take longer for me to feel the effects.  My brother, however, soon tossed himself down on the bed, clutching his chest and gasping for air.  I believe his tongue was also hanging out of his mouth.  At this point I totally blew my cover as I burst out laughing.  I had to tell him the truth although it pained me to do so.  My mom was in the room observing this entire spectacle and I'm sure it couldn't have been healthy for her to see her only son crumbled in a heap on her bed because of a plugged up belly button.  So is it really her fault that her head sometimes spins off into another dimension??  Of course not!  We created this mommy monster and now we must all stick by her!  I love you mom. sorry about my childhood!  :)

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Don't be fooled!  None of them are as innocent as they look!


Let me start off by saying that I love my two boys and my husband dearly.  It's not at all the fact that they aren't near and dear to my heart, but rather the fact that on most days it seems that the three main men in my life seem to join together to create some sort of force that I am positive seeks only to destroy my sanity day by day.  My name is Kristina.  I am a stay at home mom, a wife, a college student AND a twenty-something.  This blog is here to document the daily struggles that I face while trying to fit perfectly into each of these categories.  Most days I miss the mark but isn't it really all about the effort I put in?  Right?  So here I am today, sitting at my kitchen counter clutching my mug of coffee like my life depends on it.  By 10 AM I have been awake for nearly four hours, got dressed (if you consider throwing on jeans and a sweat shirt "getting dressed") got my kids dressed, fed, lunches and backpacks packed, walked them to school, came home and immediately dunked my head in the sink in order to combat the mass amounts of sweat that were pouring off my face.  It is something that can only be realized once you have your own family, but raising children (and a husband) is a sweaty, messy, nasty job!  Here is a list of things that makes me break out into a cold sweat on a daily basis...getting my children dressed or rather wrestling them into any clothes within reach, getting the children into the car or really climbing over the middle row seats of my mom-mobile to get them out of the trunk and into their car seats, cooking dinner while a 40 lb leech hangs onto my leg, vacuuming while someone walks behind me spilling teddy grahams on the floor AND THEN stepping on them for fun!  "But mom I had to defeat the Teddy!  I am Buzz Lightyear!"  Ahh that brings me to my next cause for a good sweat.  At least once a week, my older son, and the light of my life, decides that the worlds fate is in his hands and he must transform from a four year old boy to a super hero without a moments notice.  This, as you can imagine, can be a bit of a process.  First the proper costume must be found.  It can never be found on the first run which equals tears and a lot of whining (ohh I LOVE the whining!)  The costume can usually be found buried at the bottom of a laundry hamper which means it has to be washed, cue more tears and whining.  When all is said and done and Buzz is finally ready for battle and mommy has been reduced to a clammy, sweating fool, I am then instructed to run around the house pretending to be Zurg, Buzz's arch nemesis and really after all the searching and washing and crying and whining who wouldn't want to run laps around their house while being shot at by the laser of a 4 year old-Buzz Lightyear hybrid???  And really to bring it all full circle is what is perhaps for me the most unnerving and sweat inducing problem of them all...walking upstairs to change out of my pit-stained T-shirt to find my husband laying in bed.  "Babe, I don't feel good, I just have to sleep off this headache."  Now this is the point where I almost always lose my cool, yada yada yada, more sweating, you get the idea.  So, although I am many things, today's post I was obviously a disgruntled wife and mother, I promise to be more than that in the future.  So for all those moms out there today who are panting while chasing a child around there house while their husband moans about the rough day he has had...I feel ya girl!