Thursday, September 22, 2011

My Dear Old Mom

These are my parents, whom I must start off by saying, I love very much!  My mom is my focus for today so lets put dad on the back burner for a moment.  It is common for stay at home moms to call each other frequently to vent about frustrations they are having with their spouses, children, household or any other problem that may arise.  Sadly, I don't have many stay at home mom friends so I resort to calling my mom to have these discussions.  Ring, ring, ring, "Mom, I just found a sippy cup, hidden in a dump truck.  There was milk in it.  It's chunky.  The playroom smells like feet."  To which my mother lovingly responds with something along the lines of "Just wait until they are teenagers, it gets so much worse."  Comforting, no?  Not really, but I guess after all those years spent torturing my own mother, I really had this coming.  You see, my mother is a bit of a nut case, and I mean this is the nicest way possible.  It's not her fault she is crazy, she had four kids!  Now you might be thinking well statistically her chances were 50/50 for producing a good seed or a bad seed, so at least two out of her four children should have been somewhat manageable.  Sadly, mom was dealt a crappy hand when it came to her offspring.  She ended up with only one "easy" child, and that would be my sister, Laura.  Laura is now working for a research lab at Yale so blah blah blah, she is a genius freak.  As for the rest of us, we did absolutely anything in our power to destroy this woman from the day we were born.  Dear old mom didn't stand a chance.  For example at around the age of six, I decided that my mother was a horrible person for not letting me go swimming in the dead of winter so I grabbed my bathing suit and ran away...literally, I was running down the block.  Where I was headed to I am still not sure.  This young spontaneity of mine forced my then nine months pregnant mother to chase me down the street.  As you can imagine I was much faster then my wobbling mother at the time, however at some point my lung capacity failed me and she was able to catch up and bring me home.  On another occasion I told my teacher that my mom wanted to be a mud wrestler, per my dad's prompting.  I'm sure that couldn't have done any great things for her mental well being either.  As the oldest of her four children I take on a lot of the responsibility for driving her to her current state of semi madness.  Next came Laura, again, blah blah blah, genius freak.  We will just skip her entirely, I'm sure she did something to mom at one time or another but I doubt that she contributed significantly.  Then came Melissa.  Melissa once peed on our neighbors lawn because she was locked out of the house.  I think thats really enough said about her.  Now my brother, Thomas, is the last of the troop.  Again, I blame much of went wrong with my brother on myself as well.  We used to make him play pretty pretty princess with us and during our childhood I could off be found painting his fingernails hot pink somewhere.  So it is really no wonder that my brother turned out how he did.  I once convinced my brother that our belly buttons were necessary in order for us to take in extra oxygen and that if you were to plug up your belly button you would slowly suffocate.  We decided to conduct an experiment.  We both plugged up our belly buttons, I was okay because of course, I was bigger than him so it would take longer for me to feel the effects.  My brother, however, soon tossed himself down on the bed, clutching his chest and gasping for air.  I believe his tongue was also hanging out of his mouth.  At this point I totally blew my cover as I burst out laughing.  I had to tell him the truth although it pained me to do so.  My mom was in the room observing this entire spectacle and I'm sure it couldn't have been healthy for her to see her only son crumbled in a heap on her bed because of a plugged up belly button.  So is it really her fault that her head sometimes spins off into another dimension??  Of course not!  We created this mommy monster and now we must all stick by her!  I love you mom. sorry about my childhood!  :)

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